MC DAYJOB

my grandmother passed at roughly 3am but the official time of death is 4:05am. she has been catatonic and heavily sedated on morphine since christmas eve. the odd thing is something told me she was leaving tonight. when i got here she would at random shout for jesus to save her and beg for heaven when the pain got too heavy, that changed into unintelligble noises. after a while those noises became very weak coughs. my mother was telling me about how when a person in that condition is close to death they acquire a sound that is described as a 'death rattle' and i believe thats what her moans had become. her body is in the next room, still and silent. i dont know when they will collect the body. the crazy part is we are burying my dads oldest sister at noon today. i dont think im going to sleep tonight.

as tired as i was tonight for some reason i couldnt sleep. i laid in bed thinkin about how when i moved into her house a few years ago we would sit and have breakfast from time to time. how independent she was. how she would make me coffee and occasionally beat me over the head with her bible lessons. how she needed help getting down the stairs then but she was still moving around good tending to her plants, taking care of herself. i began thinking of how over the course of that year i watched her go from independent to living assisted over the course of her chemotherapy and from there after i moved to dc how she had to ultimately move in with my parents, and cram a households worth of memories into my childhood bedroom.

i just remember laying down and thinking 'its okay to go grandma, its okay. stop.' and wondering why she was holding on. what was holding her to this earth. how much pain she had to be in and why she wouldnt just let go. my grandmother was probably THE most talkative person i knew. she would talk to you for HOURS about whatever she pleased and she wanted you to listen but honestly i dont think she cared if you did, lol. she went from that to not saying a word to anybody, laying in pain.

she is gone now. i like to believe her and my dads sister are sitting next to j dilla watching a james brown concert with gerald levert as the opening act and luther as the second act.

2 deaths in one christmas...

rest in peace canary adams and maude ellen, you will be missed. i love you both dearly and am glad you found the peace you deserve.