Sketched up and ready to paint..
in other news today a glorious thing happened, a rare special occiasion that only means something to us psuedostars and burgeoning 'celebs' (HAHAHAHHAAHAHA!)
i stopped by urban outfitters to grab a toiletry bag. i dont know what the bags are called but any mans house you go in has one and its usually got deodorant and a razor in it. i dont shave so i dont need it for that, but im tired of carrying my soap, toothbrush and other stuff in a ziplock freezer bag like some bum.
as i approached the register the guy behind said register kinda perked up a bit when he saw me coming. young black dude with starter locks, looked kinda like the black dr on greys anatomy. at anyrate i rolled up to make my purchase and son was like "what up" me im all "whats goin on man" im usually fairly even with everybody i speak to at random regardless to how i feel so i was sure to try and sound pleasant, no tellin how his day was goin, mines was kinda shitty to be honest. then he goes "did you find everything okay" normal salesperson shit i say "yeah" and i continue gazing at the stuff under the glass. then he does it, he says "hey man are you in a group? tanya morgan?"
i fucking lit up. i said something to the extent of 'yeah thats me, im aint think nobody knew who we was" and he was like "yeah man yall are dope and its good to see something comin outta cincinnati" i held back a grin as i rambled some disjointed incoherent sentences about how we workin on some stuff and gonna try and get more shows, grabbed my bag and bounced. smiling the entire way.
i dont know if yalll have or havent noticed but ive been in a pretty shitty mood in general lately. thats why i dont blog about my personal shit no more, cus it just depresses me. i mean seriously man i feel like i ruined my life goin on tour. my girl gets all BUT YOU ARE SO BRAVE, THATS PERSONAL GROWTH on me and it works from time to time, but really. im in a really shitty place mentally. im homeless, im unemployed and i have no real plan outside of crashin on a friends couch while jobhunting. i am fucking losing and its all thanks to my talent and my pursuit of sharing it with the world. i wake up and try and work on my plan or my music or my munny or someting to keep my mind off of my life and its ills but its always back there, taunting me. telling me that i keep making my life harder than it should be. telling me that i probably should cut my losses, hold fast to my wins and make shit right. even tho i got to live out my dream i woke up to a nightmare that i cant shake. hell i cant even buy anybody a xmas gift, and its december almost, do you know how SHITTY that is? i dont even want a gift for xmas cus i cant return the favor.
but then one random guy who dont even know how he affected me changed it all, and for like 15 minutes all i endured and will endured seemed to make a little sense. all the things i gave up didnt seem so bad, all the stuff i need back didnt seem so urgent, all the kind words and encouragement ppl have been giving me drowned out my own doubts.
so thank you dude at urban, you really made my day dog and i promise not to let you or cincinnati down. and thank you dad, cakes (even tho i know you wont read this) and anybody else who has said anything encouraging to me in the past months, days or hours. i may not respond welll to it, hell it may get met with BAH HUMBUG but it impacts me and i hold it in my reserve for those unbearable days.